Hello Poodles!
It's
2010!
Shouldn't we all be in flying cars by
now?
And now, back to me:
A Star
Gestates
I was born, not too, too long ago in a small Salvation Army Hospital in the Heart of Canada's largest city, Toronto. My formative years were a blur, mostly because I spent them running away from hateful, straight kids with sticks. Who am I kidding? I've never ran a yard in my life. I called my mother who picked me up in the family car but she was a very fast driver so blurring occurred nevertheless.
An accomplished art student (gay?! really!?), I abandoned a life in front of the canvas for a life on the stage because, let's face it, the lighting was better and everyone was facing in my direction. I won a scholarship to The Toronto High School For The Performing Arts and studied alongside Keanu Reeves. Shortly thereafter, I was expelled. Who wants to act like Keanu Reeves anyway? Too lazy to memorize lines, I went to the famed Second City Training Center and took some classes. The Training Center has since asked for them back.
After quickly establishing myself as the Toronto film industry's least sought after background player (I'm 6'4", I stuck out like a big gay thumb and I don't need to tell you where big gay thumbs have been!),
I noticed that there were way more jobs behind the cameras than in front. Going with the old adage that any job in film, even the lowest, still makes you better than everyone else, I quickly established myself in the Wonderful World of Wardrobe.
During this time I endured Sarah Polley's political rants in between takes on the set of Road To Avonlea,
compared ink with Henry Rollins during filming of Johnny Mnemonic
and even wrangled Tia Carrere's tits on Relic Hunter.
Hey, no one said the Wonderful World of Wardrobe would be easy! After 10 years of stitching and bitching, I longed once again for the hate-free world of acting. I continued my endless struggle to have total strangers love and adore me by whoring myself out in a variety of commercial, film and television roles. It was while being snubbed by one of the Olsen twins (I couldn't tell which, it was pre-cocaine and they weren't that interesting) on the set of It Takes Two that I thought, "Screw this! I can do better! I'll be a comic!". I've never looked back! Mostly because I'm afraid that the Olsen twins are still there. Those girls scare me! Well, most girls scare me. They kick! Did you know that?
Anyway, unable to afford therapy, I air out my crazy quilt of stories anywhere there is a microphone; open mics, Yuk Yuk's, the drive through window at Tim Horton's. I don't care, just as long as people listen! I've produced many comedy rooms in and around Toronto, hosted charity events and even worked for free just to keep myself in the spot light. Okay, sure I often have to hold the spot light myself but what else have I got to do? Either way, my comedy is fresh, fast, funny and a constant source of embarrassment to my family. Which is how it should be.
Thanks for visiting.